Thursday, March 01, 2007

what next

Well what else could happen!!!!!!!!
At least Israel may not happen til june....
Now he has to go to Huston. o.k. it's nowhere near her but it is my birthday week.I know...What a selfish cow I am being...and irrational.. and bloody minded.
Alright I know I said it was o.k. but I find myself pannicking at the thought.. stupid stupid woman..
I really must stop being and feeling so insecure.....

Friday, February 23, 2007

one day

well I knew it would happen one day. The very thing I have dreaded for the last 18 months. Graham may have to go to Israel for a week. I have been able to box up the past and learn to trust him again. Now all my insecurities are coming back to haunt me............
It's been hard for us both over the last 3-4 weeks since I broke my arm ... We can't cuddle up or make love properly and with all the hours he has had to put in for work, I have been feeling a little alone. But he has been great taking care of me. now this!!!!
I would like to say that I don't have any problem with him going to Israel alone but that would be a lie I am just so insecure with him............... he was going to go last time. If she is there he could decide I am not the one he wants and go to her...
See it's opened a huge can of worms in this head of mine...
I suggested I could go with him but his reaction said 'no way'.... you could but the flights may be too expensive, you should go back to work.........
I think I will go crazy if he goes but I can't stop him.......... it's work.
I am so happy but I am bound to screw this up.... ahhhhh and piss him off..
I don't think he realises what this information has already done to me, and as much as I have to face this, It is definately going to fxxx with my head. Shit shit shit!!!!!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Hi 2007

Hi 2007
Well last year finnished on an exremely low note.
I suggested a take away and although he said we should pick one up.... we went straight home.
There were a few excuses but to be honest I don't think he fancied one.... just wish he would say.
That really sent me into the doldrums only just managed to recover.
I only hope we are back on track for the new year.
I love our new home and am really looking forward to getting some ideas for the kitchen /utility on paper, but again that only annoys him so I had just better shut up.....
I had some great christmas pressie's too. I think he liked his??

Sunday, November 05, 2006

great time

Hi all
It's been quite a while since I wrote anything but just need to rationalise some thoughts today.
We had a brilliant time in Istanbul and I brought him a pair of earrings as just a little something for our anniversary....... But, I know he spent alot of money on the trip.... Just a small inexpensive love you loads gift would have been nice.
I know I seem like an ungrateful cow but nothing at all ............... seems.
I know it's all fairytale codswallop.... so much for the dreams of a fairytale life....
The thing that's getting to me is I bet he always brought her something.....

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Bad news

Well he might love me but here we are again . I didn't sleep well. Last night he told me I behave like a pompas ass. I suppose that means I am not a nice person.
Almost a year after the crash I think it's happening all over again !!!!!!!!
I am now feeling low and heading towards depression but at the moment I don't know how to stop it.

O.K. I have now got through the 1 year and I think I coped quite well. I felt a little down but it was easier than I thought it would be. Now we can get on with the rest of our lives I hope.

I am trying to change what graham doesn't like but I sometimes think that I will never be able to compete with the 2 perfect women he's had in his life (Sue and Debbie).

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Nearly a year

Well it's nearly a year since my world fell apart. I only think about it now and then, but the date will be stuck there for a while yet I think.
I do trust him but it's still hard when he goes away even though it has not been to Israel.
But we are doing well I am able to shut away all the old hurt and we are now getting on with our life together.
We are moving soon so that will be another reminder gone, this house. We are looking to the future and making real plans.
I do love him so much.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

New year

Well we made it through christmas.....and we are now through to the new year.
I think he is happy, I am and as long as the past stays boxed up that's the way I hope it will stay (ended, finished, past, over) .
I loved my Christmas pressies and I am glad I chose a small and inexpensive ring as I am not yet positive that a proper eternity ring is what he would want me to have and anyway I would feel guilty at asking for so much. It does look so pretty though and as we didn't need to order it, so it must have been meant to be.
Well perhaps not all fairytales( hopes and dreams) are codswallop.
My new years wish is that he talks to me about his hopes, dreams and worries as sometimes there is still a wall of sorts. But I think we are much happier than we have been for a while.