Well maybe

Well maybe it will all end in a fairytale. Hubby says he loves me again, I don't know quite how but still so long as he's not just saying it to keep me quiet, I'm happy but it never did take much to keep me happy.
That sounds like a load of rubbish now.
But I'm sleeping better, feeling better and hopeing life will be better.
All fairytale codswallop if you ask me but I am still nervous about our future as I didn't think this could happen to me anyway and look how wrong I was there.
I am going to try and take life as it comes cos it can all go wrong at anytime can't it?

may be

I seem to have up upset him a couple of times this week. I know he is tired but so am I.
I have more to lose than he does anyway, I have my self esteem to hold together. These days it's almost non exsistant anyway, I have my sanity too to worry about.
He still hasn't shown me any mails, thats two weeks now and I am so scared, I keep wondering whats going on.
I keep looking to tomorrow (I did this with Ken) believing it can only get better.
I am looking forward to going on holiday but it's scarey too, What if we don't get on, what if I anoy him. What if!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can only hope that maybe my hopes and dreams will come true (fairytale coddswallop or what).

I hope he can love me again but I doubt it, I always knew (as he told me) that he would never love me and that's all I ever wanted from him.
My head is so mixed up I just want to be normal again. But some days I don' know how.

I wish

Hi

I wish I could say that life was great, it was yesterday. We had a great time in town then lunch and the pictures.
We went to see Kinky Boots, I can't say it was a great film but it was really funny as well as poignant and we really enjoyed it.
But as usual my head starts playing tricks and now I wonder if he has something to hide as although I asked about Debbie and he said there was some mails to show me, I haven't been shown them.
If I didn't trust him I couldn't cope with all this again. I really don't want to get as depressed as I have been, I just want us to be happy.
I just wanted someone to love me as the old song goes. I thought I had found that someone. What faitytale coddswallop!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That ain't gonna happen now is it.
I hope I can sleep as well as I did last night, but I reckon I'll be awake early worrying about what else can go wrong, and these wretched mails, but of course he can delete anything he doesn't want me to know about anyway there is nothing to stop him. So where's the point in worrying but hell I can't help it.

Suppose I'll be back in the morning early.

It's getting better

Hi

I now know that some of what's been happening I have to take the blame for.
I know that what Graham did was not o.k. (It started my downward spiral) but after that and what happened at work, and on the day before I was due to go on holiday. I sank into a really deep depression, I don't think I have ever been so low. Not even during the years I was with Ken( my ex) and he managed to seriously screw with my mind on several occassions.
I turned inside myself and although some of this was to let Rachel have real quality time with Graham. I shut completely down and worse still I shut him out. I didn't tell him how I was feeling and he didn't draw me in to his family, in fact a couple of times he shut me even further out. Behaving as if I wasn't part of his family. This only served to make my desparation and depression even worse.
I was alone and he was lonely. I can only say this now that I am hopefully through the worst.

I know he lied to me (I hope this is the last time because the next time I really don't know how I will react) and I don't particularly like them being friends. To be honest it frightens the hell out of me and if he cares about me he wouldn't do it but I am a little more rational now, I hope.

To-day Sunday October 16th we went to the Ideal home show, we had a great day and then went for a curry to night. It seemed just like before all this started, But is this just fairytale codswallop, Or............. I will just have to wait and see.

So long as the depression stays away I will have to learn to cope with whatever he throws in my direction.

The Future

Hi

Well yesterday was a better day I had lunch with my best friend. He always helps me to put things into perspective, but he also asks things that I can't answer, this then means I need to ask more questions.

Firstly when did Graham stop loving me as I have a text from a few weeks ago saying love you.
Was it when he started talking to her again or was he lying and does that mean he's given his love to her and I am fighting a losing battle, wasteing my time and letting him have his cake and eat it again.

He asks if he shows me that he cares, my mate says that if he has any feelings for me at all he would and could give up the 'friendship' and concentrate on us.
Why doesn't he mail B a male friend he's had for years, more if he needs friends, he has always been there for hubby but now he's not enough. Hubby has to have a girl friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shit did I say I had a better day perhaps not. Today is now already total shite.

Our tickets arrived this morning for Cyprus, it's our second anniversary at the end of the month.
Will it have a fairytale ending or will it be total codswallop I have no idea. But I can't be happy while he doesn't love me.
But while he still has his friend I can't see we have much of a future cos I'm continually wondering if he's planning to go to her. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering when he is going.

All I ever wanted was a guy who loved me and I loved him, I thought that was what we had, cos I never pushed him into marriage it was what he wanted. Now it's all fairytale codswallop.

I don't think today is going to be very good. I felt down when we got up now I feel worse. I just want to sit here and cry.................................

Well I can't do that have to get ready for work but I do wish I had the courage to get out of this life............a few pills and......................

FAIRYTALE CODSWALLOP

Hi Ya All

Well as usual I can't sleep.
Firstly I had to ask about any e-mails they shared (so much for the openess), now here's the odd thing. It appears to me that she doesn't mail him often except with jokes. He seems to be doing all the running to keep a 'frienship' going (he tells her what we are doing and asks her about her life) perhaps she is now the scared one. But then that makes things kinda worse because if he is the one dragging this on it means he still wants her.
What if her loving husband and family find out what they were planning. Would she then be in the same boat as me unloved.
In my fairytale codswallop dreams I do hope so, but then I wouldn't wish the way I feel some days on my worst enemy so really I hope he never nows about them.
I need to try to get some sleep now but I'll be back.
CODSWALLOP and all.

Good day
Well hubby has now said he likes my new hairstyle which is great to hear he doesn't very often compliment me in any way shape or form so it was quite a surprise.
Didn't sleep well last night but don't know why. My fairytale codswallop life seems to have settled down into a simple pattern. Hubby also seems to have settled into a happier life he even shows me what e-mails they have sent to each other during the week. I need that to continue for a while (I hope it does anyway) just for my peace of mind and so I can learn to cope with their friendship I don't want to have to ask him, I need his honesty and openess. And yes his love if I'm really lucky some time in this fairytale codswallop life.
As for work the side kick is definately leaving about christmas YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Having to do more to help the boss more will be a small price to pay to get rid of half the problem.
But hey some people have a lot more to cope with than me so I guess I should be happy with my lot, I try to be but it would be nice to be loved.

FAIRYTALE CODSWALLOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haircut

Hi all

Yesterday I had a revamp I went and had a haircut instead of long hair I now have a bob length cut it feels great and I think it looks great.
Hubby hasn't really commented don't know what he thinks but hey I did it for me,I think.
I have really felt down and unattractive with all thats been happening so a new look and hopefully a little more self esteem was called for.
We have also booked a holiday to Cyprus for our anniversary (2nd), I am not sure what to get him (it's cotton) so if anyone reads this fairytale codswallop any suggestions would be greatfully recieved.
I am surprised he wants to 'celebrate' it as he no longer loves me but hey I'm not knocking it, I can accept and understand why he doesn't (Mum always told me no-one would love me). Thats all for now I need to get ready for work and leave the fairytale codswallop dreams that are in my head behind.

3 a.m.

It's 3 a.m. and as in the past when things ain't right I can't sleep.
I still don't know what's wrong I asked and was told nothing so i'm in the dark. There were none of the cuddles and hugs that we'd been having over the last two weeks when we got into bed so I guess we are back in the land of codswallop.
I know it's not all me history proves that. I was not the one who was going to walk out, I didn't make a promise and then break it, I am not the one that snaps when somethings not to my liking. He is the one where the past is still hurting us.So how come I'm the one that can't sleep, I'm the one that feels like shit, and I blame myself, and he doesn't love me.
I have to trust him else I'd go crazy, but what if .............................................

I've had a couple of pills to see if they'll help me sleep. And I hope that by writing some of this on my blogger it will help me to stop worrying . I wake each day wondering if and sometimes hopeing this will be my last. I try not to cry any more but sometimes I can't help it.
Life is all fairy codswallop again.

It seems I was wrong

Well it seems I was wrong life has thrown another cog into my wheel.
Hubby wants to go to Sweden next year would I like to go, bit of a daft question really. I'd go anywhere with him. But hey he doesn't now where he wants to go and when I said why not look at Stockholm he took my head off. As if that's not bad enough he hasn't once talked to me about where we might go. Only where he wants to go. Not that it really bothers me. I accept that I must have said or done the wrong thing again. Nothing new there.
Hey enough of this it's all fairytale codswallop anyway. Night

bad night

Hi all
sorry it's so early but this has been festering in my brain most of the night.
The woman who took my husbands love had a romantic time with her own husband last week-end, I gather that means he knows nothing of their plans to dump us both and move in together.
My own husband can't lie so honestly states he no longer loves me.
It just hurts so much that she still has her life and the love of her husband and I'm in this limbo land ............................
I should have known that what seemed like a fairytale life when we got married was going to end up as fairytale codswallop.
Watch out anyone who thinks they have a fairytale life it's all codswallop.
Have a good day to you all.

It's getting better

Hi and Good-day
Well lifes been shit but it now seems to be on the up.
Some time ago I was the happiest bunny on the plot but a lot has happened since then, now it's all history but it killed me at the time.
Whilst copeing with shit in my home life ' My boss ' the guy who pretends to be a great guy and his side kick Told me I was the employee from hell.
Since every other boss I'd had only ever said I was good at whatever job I did, I could not understand this. I have no one I can talk to so this festered and grew untill I almost believed it myself.
We then went on holiday and me wanting my other half and his youngest daughter to really have the quality time to-gether and with work festering I withdrew into my shell and he almost cut me me out of his time too It was like I was not there most of the time. I felt so lonely and alone but what the hell everyone else was happy.
We got home and he then finished me off with he didn't love me anymore but hell I didn't like myself either.
Life couldn't get any worse or could it? oh yes it could He was now chatting to the person who had started my downfall just four short months ago.
I don't know how we or I have survived but we are still together.
He doesn't love me but he told me years ago that he would never love me.
But we are talking and making plans for the future but how long will this last? I have no idea all I can do is survive each day, day by day.
Okay enough of the past I am now so out of sorts that I hate myself but the future is looking brighter.
The two faced boss is looking for another job his sidekick is leaving around about Christmas and hubby seems happy.

See every one has their troubles and me I don't give in easy so I think we may well get through this It just depends on the guy I love. I consider I'm quite lucky though I am alive and I do have fellings some people are dying and others are killed.

Oh just one other thing before I finish fairytales are total and utter CODSWALLOP!!!!